Monday, April 25, 2011

New Doctors and Other Triggers

Hello Friends:

So here today is a happy picture, in honor of Easter, obviously.  I found out that a long time reader was very distressed over the picture I had in my last post.  She wanted to check and see if I had posted anything more recent, but had stopped checking the blog since the picture was too triggery.  This is a good lesson for me.  I had, of course, intentionally chosen the image since it was a good match to the subject of the post, and because it generated an emotional reaction.  I wanted to express some of the outrage I felt at the subject, but I hadn't meant for it to be actually painful to view.  I'll be a bit more careful with my images in the future.  Here is a new post, with a happy image, so that the other one moves on down the line.  We all have enough sources of stress without running into creepy images on our favorite mental health blogs, eh?

And speaking of sources of stress, how about the one where you lose three of your mental health providers within two months of each other?  This is what I have going on in my treatment life right now.  My pdoc (psychiatrist) and two of my somatic therapists are moving on to other things, or have taken extended leaves of absence.

My reaction has been pretty typical of a patient losing a doctor that they have become attached to - denial, anger, fussiness, pouting, and then trepidation at trying to find someone new.  My pdoc has already provided a list of possible alternate doctors, and since I only see this person once every three months, I'm trying not to get too bent out of shape.  I just need someone who will write that prescription and keep me on track with my meds.  But still, I am anxious that I'll have to go about justifying myself all over again to a new doctor.  It is a process I hate.  I know I need the meds.  And I despise the fact that there is someone else who actually has the veto power over my ability to function.  Being dependent on another person to deign to allow you access to your meds is demeaning.  Or at least it can feel that way to me.

I'm more worried about finding new somatic therapists.  In the last two years I've made a lot of progress because I've engaged in this mix of massage/talk/energy work that goes straight to the deepest emotional memory of the body.  It has made a huge amount of difference in my being able to process issues around my CPTSD.  But the trust level involved is huge - it takes a long time to get to the point where you can be that honest with anyone, while at the same time they have their hands on you, possibly causing actual pain as they realign your pelvis.  A strange but effective process that hinges on the trust in the therapist.  No surprise there.  But finding a new energy therapist is going to take a lot of time, indeed.  I'm not even sure there is another clinic in proximity to where I live.

So this might the time for me to try some other kinds of therapy that I haven't really given a fair shake in the past.  And I have hardly been keeping up daily with my mediation and yoga at home, either.  Still, I'm not quite sure where to go from here.  I guess I'm still in the denial/fussy phase, where I just don't want to find new people.  It is so hard.  How is it that those of us with such low self esteem have to be in these positions of thinking we deserve new and good therapists, anyway?  I'm glad I'm not really depressed right now, since in a low like that it would be impossible even to consider finding new people.

Okay, enough ranting about that there.  I'm interested to know how you cope when you need to find new providers.  How long do you spend in denial, and how do you go about filling in the gap?  Do you have any strategies to bolster yourself, and finding new people?

Your Hostess With Neuroses

Image credit/info: Rainbow Easter Eggs D. Sharon Pruitt on Flikr via Creative Commons CC 2.0

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