Fountain of Too Much Going On

Hello Friends:

So usually when I take a series of long writing breaks, it's because I am too depressed to write.  I'm happy to say that my long absence has been due more to having too much going on, rather than nothing going on (for a change).  The year has been overflowing (like a fountain, see pic :) although there has been both good and bad, it's mostly been good.

Yet, it's always unsettling to go back to the blog and keep trying to blog, no matter what has been blocking the writing.  It's tough.

It's been an anxious year.  I've had a lot of health concerns I've been trying to nail down, as well as lots of travel.  I haven't been able to really get out and see friends, so I've been sort of isolated.  And the kicker is that I've been trying an experiment to see if I can get back into 'real' work, at least part time.  Very anxious.

It isn't as if I don't have oodles of ideas for posts.  Since there has been so much going on, there has been lots and lots of fodder for posts.  I just have to get the stuff down on 'paper' and get it, you know, posted.  And I have a lot of catch-up reading to do on all of your blogs, as I get myself back into the swing of things here.  Or try to, once again.  Which is also an anxious sort of thing.

Up until about December or January I was pretty down, and I think getting out of that can be credited to adding some Abilify to the med mix.  Celexa and my many supplements just weren't cutting it alone.  I'll also give some credit to my light box as a good 'brightness fix' in the winter months.  If you are like me, and feel down in winter, you might want to consider one of these.  Mine is pretty effective.

So to wrap up this rambling post, I'm not going to promise too many more posts too soon, although I'd really like to get some of these ideas down.  I've just been too sporadic over the last year.  But as I try again to get back into other activities that put me into the world, I'm going to keep on trying.  I look forward to reading up on your blogs!

Your Hostess With Neuroses

Image credit/info:  Picture of a fountain, on Flickr via Creative Commons CC 2.0.

Derailed by the Rains of Winter

Hello Friends: 

I had all sorts of nifty ideas for this post.  I've been out of circulation, first for holiday vacation, and then for a month dealing with a combined ear and sinus infection.  Yee haw.  That and some 'fun' times at the pdoc and tdoc have given me plenty to write about.

But I've been derailed.

I've lost another friend to cancer.  Another colleague.  I'm just too sad and angry to write about anything else.  I want to throw up my hands at the universe and say "Enough!"  I know the reality.  I'm not a kid anymore, far from it.  So my contemporaries aren't kids, either.  Statistically speaking, every year that goes by means ... well ... it's obvious what it means.  I just don't want to deal with this fact, that each year more and more people will leave.  I have enough abandonment fears already, okay?

I don't want to rant or harp on this too much.  No point, really.  It just hurts.

Instead I'll say something about how she approached her cancer, and how it gave me some help dealing with my own chronic illnesses, of the mental kind.  She felt that pressure a lot of us feel, that same pressure to put a good face on, to smile, even through terrible pain.  I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  She made a point of saying that facing an illness with courage did not mean never being sad, angry, or irritable.  It helped me feel more at peace with the idea that it is okay to show the pain and confusion of illness, healing, and recovery.  The process of living with illness is messy, and hiding that fact is a disservice.  Sometimes you smile, sometimes you frown.  That's okay.  That's life.

So I'll say I am not feeling very okay right now.   

Your Hostess With Neuroses

Image credit/info: Rain on Window, teresaphillips1965 on Flikr via Creative Commons, CC 2.0

Depression in December - A Holiday Challenge

Hello Friends:

Long time no blog - well, a month, anyway.  I always forget how crazy the end of the year can be.  November is particularly sneaky since I try to do a lot of writing, but also have to clean up from my usual huge Halloween party, and then suddenly it is time to get ready for Thanksgiving.  Then the month is over.  And with the MIs, time does not seem to go by at a steady rate, anyway, with some minutes and some weeks feeling like the same length.  I'm sure you know what I mean.

Plus, okay, I've been feeling crappy.  I always get extra down at this time of year, along with many other people.  I've been spending a lot of time over at my favorite mental health forum, Crazy Boards, where, with the holidays on hand, there have been plenty of people posting about how depressed they are.  It really twists my heart, since I relate so strongly.  I wish I could write a note to everyone who feels depressed right now and say something that would actually help them.  (And me.)  Something that would actually be uplifting.  No words really help when you feel that rotten.

But I am tenacious, and I've decided I'm going to try anyway.  I was inspired by this really excellent holiday ornament.  I love snowflakes as a symbol, anyway, and this one is made of silver people all connected together.  A great image.

So here's the challenge, to myself, and to you if you want to join in.  I'm going to pick ten blogs from folks with MI, and I'm going to leave a message in the comments to try to lift their spirits a little.  Like a little online holiday card without the expense or generic verse.  I can't send holiday cards anyway since the pressure of not missing anyone makes me freak out.  In this case I've given myself a small, realistic goal.  Just a little something, a gesture. 

I have an ulterior motive, too, I'm afraid.  I think that writing these little messages might make me feel better.  I mean, I read a lot of blogs, and follow the lives of a lot of people online with MI.  It has made a huge difference for me, knowing I'm not alone.  Having people read my blog and leave comments here has helped to make me feel more validated, and more in touch with others.  It's all good.  So I think a few messages are in order.

As for the messages, well, already knowing that words barely make in impact on depression - what to write?  Well, that I enjoy and get something out of their blog.  That I hope they see how far they've come this year.  That I hope the New Year brings more healing for them.  Hmmm.  Not sure, but stuff like that, depending on the person.  Righto.

I have a few other ideas for making the Holiday more bearable, but that's for another post.  First, I have some messages to write!

Your Hostess With Neuroses

Image credit/info: Our First Tree by Tiger girl, on flikr via Creative Commons, CC 2.0.

Back with More Acronyms, and Some Frustration

Hello Friends:

Back after another hiatus.  It is starting to get easier to come back and try to take up where I left off.  Less guilt about having been away.  Which was, admittedly, always kind of silly given that anyone who reads this blog already knows all about mental illness and the problems it causes.  So I'll say I'm glad I'm up to writing today, that I hope I'm back on track for posting, and it's nice to see you all again and catch up on your blogs!

BUT the motivation to write today does, indeed, come from a point of frustration.  For the last two weeks I've been arguing with my psychologist, saying that no, I do not have Seasonal Affective Disorder, I just really hate the holidays and need lots of time to get over them.  Then my psychiatrist entered the fray, and I finally had to admit to the weight of the evidence. 

Scientist = Objective x Irony

So now I have another disorder to add to my list at the top of this blog.  I'm running out of room.

Why does this make me so angry?  Usually, I feel validated when I get a diagnosis.  I feel that my 'issues' have a name, a reason, and more importantly, a treatment.  I usually feel some hope that there are new avenues to try, new options to explore to feeling better.  But I strongly resisted this diagnosis, and now am angry I have a new disorder.  I have enough to deal with ...

Then a semblance of rationality flits across my brain.  Whatever has been going on during the winter months - either SAD, or family issues, or simply how much I hate snow - it has been and still is going on no matter what it is called.  Reality has not changed because my 'winter blues' have a new name.  I've been dealing with this all along.  Naming it helps.  Yes.  Focus on that.  Yep.

Still angry.  Okay.  Need some more time on this one.  Did you get angry when you got a diagnosis?  How about if you got like three of them?  Five?  More?  Do you feel better with an acronym to your problem, or worse?

I know that eventually I'll focus on the positive, since that's what I've done before.  But right now ... frustrated.

Your Hostess With Neuroses

Image credit/info: Zach Klein, from Creative Commons via Flickr  CC 2.0