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Back after another hiatus. It is starting to get easier to come back and try to take up where I left off. Less guilt about having been away. Which was, admittedly, always kind of silly given that anyone who reads this blog already knows all about mental illness and the problems it causes. So I'll say I'm glad I'm up to writing today, that I hope I'm back on track for posting, and it's nice to see you all again and catch up on your blogs!
BUT the motivation to write today does, indeed, come from a point of frustration. For the last two weeks I've been arguing with my psychologist, saying that no, I do not have Seasonal Affective Disorder, I just really hate the holidays and need lots of time to get over them. Then my psychiatrist entered the fray, and I finally had to admit to the weight of the evidence.
Scientist = Objective x Irony
So now I have another disorder to add to my list at the top of this blog. I'm running out of room.
Why does this make me so angry? Usually, I feel validated when I get a diagnosis. I feel that my 'issues' have a name, a reason, and more importantly, a treatment. I usually feel some hope that there are new avenues to try, new options to explore to feeling better. But I strongly resisted this diagnosis, and now am angry I have a new disorder. I have enough to deal with ...
Then a semblance of rationality flits across my brain. Whatever has been going on during the winter months - either SAD, or family issues, or simply how much I hate snow - it has been and still is going on no matter what it is called. Reality has not changed because my 'winter blues' have a new name. I've been dealing with this all along. Naming it helps. Yes. Focus on that. Yep.
Still angry. Okay. Need some more time on this one. Did you get angry when you got a diagnosis? How about if you got like three of them? Five? More? Do you feel better with an acronym to your problem, or worse?
I know that eventually I'll focus on the positive, since that's what I've done before. But right now ... frustrated.
Your Hostess With Neuroses
Image credit/info: Zach Klein, from Creative Commons via Flickr CC 2.0
9 comments:
I have two thoughts on this subject.
1. Labels don't matter. Labels are for soup cans. I don't really care what label you want to give me. I'm the one that decides what I need and what is best for me.
2. Naming things sometimes helps me sort out what I need to do next. A diagnosis of SAD might help, because then you know to adjust meds in the winter months, or get a sunlamp (or whatever they're called).
I guess if it were me, I'd look at why THIS diagnosis upsets me so much.
I fought the diagnosis of PTSD, because I didn't think I deserved it. I hadn't been through enough trauma. But getting the diagnosis, somehow made all of the trauma more real and thus the PAIN more real. (Does that make sense?)
Those are my thoughts... and thanks for writing!
It's still hard, I think, because it confirms that something else is wrong. Sigh.
Thanks for commenting today at my place - it was good to talk to you on blogs again.
There are days when I am so thankful for all of the capital letters that fill my therapist's chart. I know that I am not making it all up and that there is help and that there are real live other people with lots of letters too.
But other days it sucks. It's almost embarassing to rattle off all that mess to someone. I feel like I am being a whiner or that they are going to run scared from me.
It just depends on the day. Especially if it is a holiday. I hate holidays.
adventures in etc was like reading my own thoughts...i know all about SAD, and many many others i suffer with--last winter i had to sleep with three count them three lights on in my room...and still it was not bright enough!!
Hey Jen - Good point, why does THIS diagnosis upset me so much. Hmmm. Is it the specific diagnosis, the timing, or what? I will ponder ...
I definitely get the idea that a diagnosis makes "the trauma more real and thus the pain more real." One of the hard parts of facing down reality. I did a better job of suppressing and denying when it didn't have a name. So that at least is one of the good things about naming it. Painful, but easier to treat when you are not denying.
Susan - Yeah. Something else is wrong. Bleh with that. But still, as you mentioned on your own post, so many things are right, too! Thanks for the visit here; I am always keeping an eye on your posts, hoping and wishing you the very best.
Angela - Holidays somehow bring everything into stark relief. It's hard to be objective on those days. Yes, I agree, that sometimes the best thing ever is seeing the words and having the validation - this thing is REAL.
Julie - Yikes, three lights. I only have now been prescribed my first light, and was told it wouldn't really do any good until September, anyway. Maybe one will do it ... I sure hope you feel better as the days get longer here in spring.
I, too, have SAD, only I have the kind that affects me in the summer months, when there is TOO much sun.
I figure that diagnoses are simply there to help us understand what is happening to us. I try and not let any diagnosis define me. It is simply a piece of my life. Maybe it makes life a little more complex through which to process, but that is alright for me- keeps life interesting and keeps me learning new things.
I enjoyed your blog post. Thank you for writing.
Happy night. :)
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