I am feeling kind of like this picture. Crazy, and yet sort of a mix of spacey and startled. I don't really have anything profound to say (do I usually?) but felt like posting.
See, I've found a forum on the net that I really like. And this is a surprise because I've tried a lot of forums and have not felt like there was really much going on. Not much sharing. But I found this one at Crazyboards.org, and I really like it. So I set up an account and spent a day reading different threads, trying to get to know the community, and posting like seven posts. And you know me, people, I do not post short posts.
And its funny, at first it was all good. Thinking I was learning and sharing all nice like. And then ... then you start to hear the voices. Not real ones (since I don't think I'm on the psychotic end of things, but you never know) but those inner voices that say, "Wow, that was a dumb post," and "Holy cow, that thing you said was probably really offensive," and "Man, what makes you think anyone wants to read that huge post anyway?" On and on.
Then I really start to get worried. See, I've posted here in my blog before about my parents, and I was answering a post there about someone else who now found herself estranged. I was going on and on, as I usually do, about how my parents drove me crazy and how it's probably better we all went our separate ways. And then I realized I'd called out my mother's BPD, Narcissism, and my dad's alcoholism quite specifically. More second guessing ... did I just offend someone? Do I look like I judge people based solely on their mental illness diagnosis? Am I coming across as an insensitive lout? Am I an insensitive lout?
Then you wonder what the #$%@ made you want to post your ideas anyway. What were you thinking? I mean ... what was I thinking? Why get involved in a forum where your idiocy is just hanging out there for all the world to see? (Are you seeing the irony, yet?) Took me a while, and then of course I realized I post my idiocy regularly right here on this blog.
But it is different. After all, if you, reader, find my blog ewwwy, you can go elsewhere. If someone on a forum thinks I'm ewwwy, then they might think I'm stinking up the whole forum. Or at least the threads I am posting on. Still, I do recognize this paranoia as part of my own mental illnesses. Things like this have their stages, for me, anyway. First there is that giddy feeling of "hey this is new and fun." Then the phase of "I think I just put my foot in my mouth" which is the same as the"'I just said something so boring" phase. Phase three is the "Why don't I quietly slink away and never come back" phase. Then phase four, the phase where you finally have to chose if you are going to run from the pain of your own foolish face, or try to face up to reality and accept you are a human being.
I'm in phase four. Wanting to go back and be a part of things, and trying to accept that I'm going to look like a dweeb sometimes. I do not want to be a dweeb, and yet, are not we all dweebs, every now and then? Sigh. I want it all clean and happy and perfect. And then I show up and make it all real and sticky and messy.
I'd be interested in input. Do you have these experiences with emails, phone calls, or forums, etc.? How do you get back on the horse after you've said or done something you either only think is stupid, or had someone comment on saying "that was stupid" or "you hurt my feelings"? I'd like to know ...
Your Hostess With Neuroses
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
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