Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Returning, Again, and Still Confused

Hello Friends:

There is no question that the hardest thing about blogging (for me, anyway) is trying to get back into the swing after a long hiatus. Usually the reason I stop posting is because I'm overwhelmed with depression. Then when I start to get my feet back under me, I don't post because I'm overwhelmed with anxiety. Same stuff, different flavor. Either way, it all just seems so hard.

I've mentioned this before when I've come back after a "break". Somehow I can't shake the feelings that not posting every week means I've messed things up in some irredeemable fashion. This is extra-strange since of all the people who might be sympathetic to the struggles of dealing with depression and anxiety, it would be the sort of folks who would read this blog. And yet the feelings remain. I've "broken" the blog, somehow, and it can never be "fixed" and now it is all messy and imperfect and gray-area and I really hate that.

I know that it is very, very good therapy for me to force myself to come back, pick up the pieces, deal with the muddy reality of life, and move forward. And I am always very happy when I finally do, and vow that "this time I'll keep going no matter what!" When you are motivated and in the swing, it all seems so easy. Then the next depression hits. I had set all sorts of goals for this year: wanting to average so many posts a week, post about certain topics, maybe do a regular feature post, and on and on. I think it is important and useful to have goals. And yet simply having them seems to accomplish nothing more than putting more pressure on myself. Then it becomes too much, I freak out, and along with everything else in my life, it falls apart.

Okay, enough of the belly aching and all that. I've been trying hard to use what I've learned in meditation and radical acceptance to be realistic about life, and compassionate with myself about exactly these sorts of struggles. So I might as well do it, in spite of a bit of disgust for myself for it being necessary at all. Right.

So, fine, I've been gone for months. But hey there, Blue Morpho, that's okay. It's time to try again (and again) to push forward.  Time to "just be" with that mixed-up, logistics-part-of-the-brain-is-broken, feeling.  And I know once I force myself through the mucky stage of trying to catch up with the blogs I read, make some comments there, and make sure I respond to comments here, I'll be having fun.  Feeling connected.  Enjoying being a part of a community that's just as confused as I am.  Right?

Thanks for sticking with me!

Your Hostess With Neuroses

Image credit/info: LOL Cats


Chronic Impending Disaster said...

Blue - the great thing about blogging for me is that there are no deadlines and no assignments. I just blog about whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it. For a while I tried to have an agenda with it being a mental health themed blog about my treatment for BPD symptoms, but that kinda dissolved and now things just get spewed out there as they come to me.

Someone once told me not to should on myself, and I'd say that to you. There are no shoulds in the world of blogging. There's only what's beneficial, fun or interesting for you. (Unless you're using the blog professionally, in which case you can disregard every word I've said.)

drugsaregood said...

Blue Morpho--

I am quite happy to read your blog whenever you post! I don't need it to be on a schedule. Seriously. I realize these issues are never rational, but just know that posting irregularly is NOT going to loose you your readership.

On the other hand, I'm glad you're feeling good enough to post!

The Blue Morpho said...

Hey there Chronic ID: Definitely no "shoulds", I agree! I try to remember that, but I do get caught up, sometimes. Thanks for the reminder, and for reading.

The Blue Morpho said...

Hello drugsaregood: Thanks for the comment! I appreciate the support and the reality check.

Chrysalis said...

Hey Blue,

Not only do I second what others have written, I just wanted to let you know you're definitely not alone in the difficulty to come back once something like this happens. Unlike you, though, I'm not sure I have the courage to do it (one of the reasons I implemented my Sanguine Saturdays straight off the bat - I force myself to post that once a week regardless) -- so I salute your bravery!

And, of course, welcome back. :)

expwoman said...

I'm glad to see you back! I think that you are "continuing with the bloggin no matter what" simply by coming back, whenever it is you choose to come back. And it is an important document of your choosing what you value to let the blog be here, in spite of feeling you "ruined" it--that takes courage!

Amy said...

Blue Morpho, I'm always thrilled when you post, whenever you post, regardless of how often, mostly because you're such an engaging, sincere, talented writer.

The Blue Morpho said...

Chrysalis and expwoman - Thanks for the support and comments! It's tough, but I'm definitely getting back into being able to check email, read my blogs, and even post. Glad to have you join me.

Amy - I appreciate the comment about my writing. Sometimes it seems a little scattered to me, like I can't get my thoughts together. Part of the reason why it is so hard to post, I hate it when the writing is so all over the place. Still, I'm gonna post. So thanks for reading!

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