5 hours ago
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
There is no question that the hardest thing about blogging (for me, anyway) is trying to get back into the swing after a long hiatus. Usually the reason I stop posting is because I'm overwhelmed with depression. Then when I start to get my feet back under me, I don't post because I'm overwhelmed with anxiety. Same stuff, different flavor. Either way, it all just seems so hard.
I've mentioned this before when I've come back after a "break". Somehow I can't shake the feelings that not posting every week means I've messed things up in some irredeemable fashion. This is extra-strange since of all the people who might be sympathetic to the struggles of dealing with depression and anxiety, it would be the sort of folks who would read this blog. And yet the feelings remain. I've "broken" the blog, somehow, and it can never be "fixed" and now it is all messy and imperfect and gray-area and I really hate that.
I know that it is very, very good therapy for me to force myself to come back, pick up the pieces, deal with the muddy reality of life, and move forward. And I am always very happy when I finally do, and vow that "this time I'll keep going no matter what!" When you are motivated and in the swing, it all seems so easy. Then the next depression hits. I had set all sorts of goals for this year: wanting to average so many posts a week, post about certain topics, maybe do a regular feature post, and on and on. I think it is important and useful to have goals. And yet simply having them seems to accomplish nothing more than putting more pressure on myself. Then it becomes too much, I freak out, and along with everything else in my life, it falls apart.
Okay, enough of the belly aching and all that. I've been trying hard to use what I've learned in meditation and radical acceptance to be realistic about life, and compassionate with myself about exactly these sorts of struggles. So I might as well do it, in spite of a bit of disgust for myself for it being necessary at all. Right.
So, fine, I've been gone for months. But hey there, Blue Morpho, that's okay. It's time to try again (and again) to push forward. Time to "just be" with that mixed-up, logistics-part-of-the-brain-is-broken, feeling. And I know once I force myself through the mucky stage of trying to catch up with the blogs I read, make some comments there, and make sure I respond to comments here, I'll be having fun. Feeling connected. Enjoying being a part of a community that's just as confused as I am. Right?
Thanks for sticking with me!
Your Hostess With Neuroses
Image credit/info: LOL Cats
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