1 day ago
Friday, May 4, 2012
It's turning into a tough day. The major symptom of which was the recent thought "I am really amazingly ugly. Wow." I mean, on normal days I hardly think I'm beautiful, but don't generally find myself actually repulsive. Today - repulsive. It occurred to me that I could combine features from some animals and come up with a pretty good representation of my face. Start with over large hawkish nose, frog-ribbiting double chin, and then fill in the rest with pudgy pink pig. Egads.
So, being mindful of where these sorts of emotions come from, I have looked back to the hour or so before I thought this. Three things, wedding related, that threw me. First, I found a wedding invitation from some years back - a wedding we attended of very good friends. Just now going through their divorce. Sigh. Then worse, another invitation from good friends, again a wedding we attended - the bride passed away last year. So painful.
So I figured I'd try to focus on the positive, and checked out some pictures posted of a wedding we attended just a few weeks ago. And OMG, there I am, in profile. My second chin really is like a frog. Nose is huge and sort of bent in the middle.
And I've been trying so hard to get in shape. I've had a lot of success with eating well, getting in my treadmill time, and doing flexibility stretching. You'd think seeing this would really put a fire under my butt. Instead it has completely taken the wind out of me. Like, why bother, too far gone.
I know that part of me isn't really upset about my looks. I'm focused on that because I had a lot of negative messages about my looks growing up. That plus my general self-hatred leads to really hating my reflection in the mirror on a regular basis. So, it's not that as much as being down about my friends, I think. Hard to draw the line between what starts you feeling bad, and then where it leads. The workings of depression can be so bizarre. So often, it isn't what we are thinking now that is the real "problem" but some other trigger, some other incident, that may have gone nearly unnoticed at first.
I'm still avoiding mirrors and pictures for the rest of the day.
Your Hostess With Neuroses
Image credit/info: Sad Girl by raymaclean on Flickr via Creative Commons, CC 2.0
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