Friday, May 4, 2012

Feeling Bummed Out n Ugly

Hello Friends:

It's turning into a tough day.  The major symptom of which was the recent thought "I am really amazingly ugly.  Wow."  I mean, on normal days I hardly think I'm beautiful, but don't generally find myself actually repulsive.  Today - repulsive.  It occurred to me that I could combine features from some animals and come up with a pretty good representation of my face.  Start with over large hawkish nose, frog-ribbiting double chin, and then fill in the rest with pudgy pink pig.  Egads.

So, being mindful of where these sorts of emotions come from, I have looked back to the hour or so before I thought this.  Three things, wedding related, that threw me.  First, I found a wedding invitation from some years back - a wedding we attended of very good friends.  Just now going through their divorce.  Sigh.  Then worse, another invitation from good friends, again a wedding we attended - the bride passed away last year.  So painful. 

So I figured I'd try to focus on the positive, and checked out some pictures posted of a wedding we attended just a few weeks ago.  And OMG, there I am, in profile.  My second chin really is like a frog.  Nose is huge and sort of bent in the middle.

And I've been trying so hard to get in shape.  I've had a lot of success with eating well, getting in my treadmill time, and doing flexibility stretching.  You'd think seeing this would really put a fire under my butt.  Instead it has completely taken the wind out of me.  Like, why bother, too far gone.

I know that part of me isn't really upset about my looks.  I'm focused on that because I had a lot of negative messages about my looks growing up.  That plus my general self-hatred leads to really hating my reflection in the mirror on a regular basis.  So, it's not that as much as being down about my friends, I think.  Hard to draw the line between what starts you feeling bad, and then where it leads.  The workings of depression can be so bizarre.  So often, it isn't what we are thinking now that is the real "problem" but some other trigger, some other incident, that may have gone nearly unnoticed at first.

I'm still avoiding mirrors and pictures for the rest of the day.

Your Hostess With Neuroses

Image credit/info: Sad Girl by raymaclean on Flickr via Creative Commons, CC 2.0


middle child said...

The last half of your last paragraph. That's where I was today, trying to explain it to my husband.
Feel better!

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I can relate, because it's easy for me to beat myself up for my looks also.

Sometimes it helps me to focus on what I'm doing, and not how I look. Getting involved with something I love doing helps me to refocus on what actually is more important than how I look.

And I try to remember that depression can cause us to have distorted thinking.

I hope you feel better soon!

Ann said...

IN my head you look like that orange tabby. :) Totally adorable!!

klahanie said...

Greetings friend,
Oh and how the taunts from childhood can linger on and impact how we perceive ourselves.
And yet, despite this, you embrace the positives, look for what makes you truly grateful.
I know that the past can haunt and the inner critic takes over. I also know that the inner critic tells lies and the sweet innocence of the inner child is a most positive focus.
I try, as best I can to live my life with realistic positive anticipation, rather than, negative speculation.
For what it's worth, I bestow upon you the wondrous gift of empathy.
With respect and admiration for your transparency, Gary

Amy said...

Yikes. Sounds like you're in a lot of pain. Perhaps your friends' divorce and the loss of your other friend took you to a despairing place, one painful enough that projecting that pain onto your looks was easier than contemplating death, either death itself or the death of a relationship.

Since I grew up with you, I feel I am in a position to say that you are not ugly. You are far from it. You have gorgeous hair, great skin, beautiful eyes, a little waist, and a *great* nose. Do not diss that nose. Noses are awesome.

AVY said...

Beauty comes from the inside, as stupid as that sounds.

/ Avy

The Blue Morpho said...

Hey middle child, thanks for the encouragement!

Tina - yes, the distorted thinking is always tough. Too bad it still hurts so much, even when you know it's distorted.

Hello Ann - Yeah! I like that idea that I look like Stress Cat. Hope he doesn't mind :)

Klahanie - thanks muchly for the supportive comments!

Amy - Heh, well, yeah I'd say I took a bit of a hit thinking about so many sad things all at once. Still it is hard to try to think positively about one's self when there are so many negative head voices still hanging around.

Cole Marie said...

I stumbled upon your blog through a blog that is following me. You are very insightful. I find that my mind also wanders and I am left feeling shamed and unaware of what started the entire process. I wish I knew how to follow your blog or attach it to mine so others could see it. I live with BPD, PTSD, OCD, and Bipolar. Glad to see another person speaking up because our time is now.

The Blue Morpho said...

Cole - thanks for reading and commenting, I am glad the blog speaks to you! You can follow the blog by hitting the 'follow' button at the top bar, or the 'join' button in the followers gadget.

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